In the land of Southern California, there are many things to do, things to see, things to eat. Few, however, are as magical as King Louis. TFFF has no idea what the name “King Louis” means or why these joints are named as they are, but TFFF assumes that it’s due to the fact that these diners are holdovers from magical castle times with knights, princesses, moats with alligators in them, jesters and delicious feasts with unknown wild beasts that produce the makings of the Colossal Burger. There really is no other explanation for the delight inside your mouth when you bite into one of these masterpieces. It’s magic.
Now, it should made known that King Louis only has four of these magical eateries in the world. The Compton store is named “King Louis”, the Inglewood store is named “King Louis #2″, the Long Beach store is “King Louis #3″ and the new Torrance store is “King Louis #4″. Other than the Colossal Burger, King Louis offers breakfast, lunch and dinner and everything they make is offered anytime of day. Cheeseburger for breakfast? Yes. Bacon and eggs for dinner? Oh yeah. Fried chicken for breakfast? Certainly.
The menu is vast and diverse, kind of like Los Angeles. They serve up burgers and sandwiches, but they also have delicious soul food like fried chicken, greens and mac and cheese. Add in their mexican food offerings like pollo asado with a horchata and you’ve got yourself a little slice of LA right there in the same building. There are many places like this in LA–Steve’s, Tommy’s, Why Not, etc., but no one–repeat, no one–does anything like the Colossal Burger.
The Colossal Burger is a beef patty and cheese and all that, but most of the magic comes from the heap of pastrami that is placed on top of the beef. It’s sweet, it’s salty, it’s greasy, it’s bitchin.
Some of you may know be asking, “C’mon, TFFF, they can’t be THAT good.” To which TFF responds, “ExCUUUSE MEEEE??!?” while waving a finger in your face and moving his neck and head back and forth like a female diva. If you were Bobby Brown asking that question and TFFF was Whitney Houston, the response would have been, “Ahhhh, hell to the no, Bobby!” And then you and TFFF would act like Whitney and Bobby and go get drunk. After you and TFFF got drunk, you would have a hangover. Now you are ready to go to King Louis.
It’s 8:30 am, maybe earlier. You and TFFF, heads hurting, kind of foggy, bodies in need of something, step into King Louis. A couple of old timers sipping coffee and eating their $1.99 pancakes and eggs sit around minding their own business. The only sounds are the metal spatulas hitting the grill and pages of newspapers turning and being folded back. A perfect setting for the Colossal Burger. You step up to the cash register and do what comes naturally this early in the morning–”chili cheese fries and a Colossal Burger, please.”
There really are no words to describe this, so TFFF won’t even try. It would do it no justice. The only thing that TFFF will tell you, is that you must do this before you die. Four locations in LA–all part of the magical kingdom of King Louis. Add it to your bucket list.
Taco Bell attorneys have stated that they will defend this claim and that they have their own breed of cow that is pictured above with a black patch of hair that grows into the Taco Bell logo right on it’s forehead. Here is an excerpt from the press conference this morning:
“Taco Bell Attorney:
Our beef is definitely 100% Taco Bell beef as you can see from the Taco Bell logo on these beefs’ heads. Since 1989, we have been searching the wild for these beefs that have the Taco Bell logo on their foreheads and then we have selectively bred them to produce a product that is only 35% beef, so as you can see, our beefs are pretty delicious.
Reporter From LA Times: Don’t you mean ‘cows’ instead of ‘beefs’?
Taco Bell Attorney: No. Next question.”
TFFF is astounded. Is this news report trying to tell TFFF that he has not been eating 100% ground Filet Mignon when he buys 10 tacos for 23 cents. What’s next Taco Bell? Are you going to tell TFFF that the orange cheese you shred on top is not a select brand of aged Tillamook from an organic micro-farm in Wisconsin? Are you suggesting, Mr. Taco Bell, that TFFF has not had only the freshest, purest, organic, pesticide-free ingredients when catering an entire after hours party for the outrageous price of $9.21? TFFF will not stand for this bait and switch.
TFFF went straight out and decided to taste this Taco Bell beef to make sure he would be able to sue Taco Bell and retire early and comfortably. TFFF went right out and purchased the new Beefy Crunch Burrito with Flaming Fritos as seen below for an early morning breakfast.
Nutrition Facts: 510 calories, 22 g fat, 1250 mg sodium
As readers of this blog may remember, TFFF has accused Taco Bell of using all of the same ingredients in every item on their menu whether it’s brand new or an old mainstay. They just kind of mix them up and market the products as something totally different. Welllllll, I guess you could say that TFFF is eating his words now as this time Taco Bell has gone completely outside of the box and added a processed food into this new creation. TFFF feels a bit like Marco Polo traveling to East Asia in search of spices and silks as he embarks on this pioneering journey. So new, so unexplored, so mysterious!
With these new allegations of less than 100% beef, TFFF decides to taste just the beef first and it’s just as TFFF remembers–a little meat texture, some sawdust, some glue, a horse hoof, ground up boar tusk, mashed donkey knee, or as TFFF remembers it–100% Taco Bell beef!! TFFF could even taste the black, hairy, Taco Bell logo that was on the beef’s forehead. Nothing wrong there. Everything status quo.
TFFF, like the guy in TB’s commercial is a wild man and is now ready to try this new product as seen in the ad below.
TFFF takes a big bite of beef, nacho cheese, rice and . . . wait . . . are those . . . is that . . . it’s kinda crunchy . . . kinda spicy . . . swallow . . . and . . . that was strange. What can TFFF say? Do yourself a favor and make one at home. Here is how to do it:
Step 1: Open a bag of Flamin’ Hot Fritos
Step 2: Wait 4 months
Step 3: Add rubber Fritos to Burrito Supreme minus tomatoes
Enjoy!!
Overall grade: D-. TFFF would have given the Beefy Crunch Burrito an “F” but the 100% beef inside was too delicious.
The new year is upon us and TFFF is ready for all kinds of new goodness and he will be bringing it to you, grease spots and all. To kick off the year, TFFF found a youtube video to share with everyone. Enjoy!
There’s been a good deal of talk lately about tax cuts, extensions of unemployment, social security tax breaks, Obama selling out, democrats are mad, republicans are mad, etc. etc. etc. Yawn. This is not a political blog, so TFFF will not enter into these boring discussions. However, TFFF will recommend a new candidate for President of the good ol’ USA!
That’s right. TFFF is making an endorsement and that endorsement is: WENDY’S NEW FRIES FOR PRESIDENT!!
Out of the way, Obama. Get lost Palin. Take a hike McCain. There’s a new guy in town and his name is Wendy’s New Fries, or WNF for short.
TFFF knows it’s been awhile since many of you have been to a Wendy’s, maybe since the era associated with the video below, but it’s time you get back there.
All you have to do is take one bite of WNF and . . . POOF! . . . the recession is over! Just taste those golden Russett potatoes and . . . GOODBYE UNEMPLOYMENT! . . .the flavor of the sea salt hits your mouth and . . . THE DOW JONES IS UP 3,000 POINTS TO 14,156!
Wendy’s has always put out food that is a little bit higher quality than the rest of the pack. In the greasy fast food world, it’s a bit like being the fanciest whore on the block, but Wendy is my type of whore. And she is fancy. These new fries with the natural cut and the skin still on and the sea salt and the crispiness and the flavor–well, these fries are also fancy.
TFFF is telling you to get these fries. Get them now. I know you’ll have to get other foods with it, so let TFFF make another suggestion. This move is gangster, so don’t go tryin’ it if you’re new to the game. Get a cup of chili to dunk them in and a Frostie to wash it all down and you might not ever eat at another fast food establishment again.
The new Tex-Mex Quarter Pound Coney dog from Sonic.
Nutritional Info: 1134 calories, 80.1 grams of fat, 103 grams of cholesterol, 2551 mg sodium.
If you are like TFFF, you were likely sitting in front of a television this past Saturday or Sunday taking in some college football or professional football. If you were, it’s very likely that you saw an ad for possibly one of the coolest things to happen to America since the movie Breakin’. Seriously, if you were alive when this movie came out and you weren’t running out to get some parachute pants and a piece of cardboard as soon as the movie let out, there was something wrong with you.
Back to biz-ness. TFFF saw something this past weekend that was almost this awesome. So awesome that upon seeing the ad, TFFF’s brother Billy beckoned him back into the living room for a rewind of the commercial. Not too sure about the rest of you, but TFFF usually fast forwards through commercials, not rewinds them. It was that special. Magical. TFFF was awestruck. He didn’t blink for 17 minutes afterwards. It was the kind of look a kid gets when visiting Disneyland for the first time. Or the kind of look a friend might give you when you go PUFF PUFF PUFF PUFF, GIVE instead of PUFF PUFF GIVE. Astonishment. Pure disbelief. Have a look for yourself.
Are you kidding TFFF? A footlong hotdog? With chili? And crunchy Fritos corn chips? And shredded cheddar cheese?And diced onions? And sliced jalapeños? And zesty Southwest chipotle sauce? Is this too good to be true?
TFFF rushed to the computer. Where are these magical Sonic places? TFFF went online. Store locator. Los Angeles. What? Three Sonics in Los Angeles? There has got to be a mistake. TFFF passes 27 Burger Kings and 43 McDonalds on his way to Louis Burgers (review coming soon). How can there only be 3 Sonics in Los Angeles. TFF isn’t exactly sure of the dimensions of Los Angeles, but last time he checked it was bigger than South America. How could there only be 3?
Upon further investigation, TFFF realized that this was going to be a time to ask for help. The three locations are too far from TFFF’s home and work. This blog doesn’t pay for travel costs. TFFF needs your help. If you live near a Sonic, please eat one of these and share the results with the readers of this blog. Please. Soon. And be careful.
Let’s just start by saying TFFF is fascinated by this sandwich. Every item reviewed on this blog is reviewed by TFFF because it has been expertly marketed. Why else would TFFF eat such things as a McRib? In this case, however, McDonalds has taken the marketing of this product to another level. The buzz surrounding the recent re-release of the McRib has been staggering. People have set up McRib locators online, they are tweeting about it, they are adding pictures on their facebook pages, people are going berserk, and TFFF is fascinated.
This McHysteria has been going on since the early 1980′s. TFFF did some research on this subject to try to find some answers. In 1981, McDonalds test-marketed the McRib in select midwest states. TFFF assumes that McDonalds tested these markets first because the people they chose in these states would eat the ass out of a dead possum or ‘coon straight up, but if there was BBQ sauce, pickles and onions on it, you got yourself somethin’ fancy there, Mr. Mac Donald. Don’t believe TFFF? See exhibits A and B below.
Shockingly, the McRib only lasted 4 years as a permanent item before it was pulled in 1985. The only country in the world where the McRib has always been permanent is in Germany. This baffles TFFF. Why Germany?
Then in 1989, the McRib was back with it’s sassy sauce and amazing tagline (“It’s like a BBQ in a bun without the bones”) as witnessed in this commercial:
Again, the McRib wasn’t selling and was pulled for another 5 years until it was promoted as the sandwich that the characters in “The Flintstones” movie were eating at “RocDonalds”. TFFF is not kidding. See the commercial below:
The McRib was again pulled from the menu shortly after the movie and then was re-entered into the market in perhaps one of the most genius marketing ploys in U.S. history. In November, 2005, Ronald and the gang sent out a press release stating that the McRib was coming back, but was going to be removed from the menu forever. They said they were going to have a “McRib Farewell Tour” to celebrate the mystical sandwich’s departure from the earth. Just to reiterate. A farewell tour. For the McRib. A sandwich.
At the same time, www.mcrib.com, a website registered to McDonalds but run by so-called “concerned consumers,” was running a petition to “Save The McRib” and it was sponsored by the “Boneless Pigs Association of America.” It should be noted that TFFF is not being sarcastic here. This is awesome. This is the kind of stuff that TFFF dreams of doing.
This ploy kept the McRib around for almost another year until 10/16/2006 when the “McRib Farewell Tour II” was launched effectively removing the sandwich from existence. Then exactly 1 year later, the “McRib Farewell Tour III” was launched and then another year later the sandwich was re-introduced as a tribute to the creator, McRib DJ Plowman.
In 2008 and 2009, the elusive McRib was released in limited regions for limited times leading to the creation of websites dedicated to where it was being sold and for how long and people were actually selling frozen McRibs on ebay. In 2010, it was again released for a limited time and it will be pulled from the menu on 12/5/2010.
TFFF wanted to know why so many people went crazy for this sandwich. Is it because of the limited time offer? Is that all it takes to create this kind of demand? If Mickey D’s pulled the Quarter Pounder with cheese off the menu for 1 year and then re-released it, would customers go ape shit for it? Maybe, but TFFF doubts it. There’s something magical about this sandwich. It leaves and then reappears for no reason. It has ribs. Or does it? Does it come from pigs? Unicorns? While conducting further research, TFFF found the following flow-cart. Start at the “Have you slaughtered a pig” box and follow the arrows. Click on the pic to enlarge.
For TFFF, it was time to find out for himself what this was all about. On his way home from work, TFFF pulled into the drive-thru and ordered one of these sought-after sandwiches with fries and an iced tea. As TFFF pulled back onto the road, excitement ensued. While watching the road with one eye and digging into his bag with the other, the carton of the McRib was in sight! He was barely able to look at the sandwich due to the busy road which was a big plus for this review.
If you get a chance to eat one of these, don’t look at it, just eat it. It is a strange sight at best. The colors are off. The rib things are frightening, the meat is mind boggling. The post-bite view of the inside of the sandwich is just plain eerie. Don’t look.
TFFF’s first bite was pretty good. There was some kind of meat, sauce, pickles, onions. Not bad. The second bite was less good. The third bite was strange. Something bad was happening. TFFF went for a french fry cleanser. Now back to normal, TFFF went for bite number four. This is what ensued in TFFF’s brain:
Yuck. What is going on? Time for an iced tea reset. What is that taste? That’s not iced tea. That tastes like a toddler pissed in a swimming pool and then added a splash of lemon. Let’s have another sip. Gross! Wtf is that taste? Is that unicorn sandwich I just ate putting a curse on me? That combo of unidentified meat, sauce and drink is disgusting. What is that taste?
TFFF never identified what type of drink it was that he was not enjoying. Maybe it was some kind of Cyrstal Lite Lemonade? TFFF will never know, but the foul taste of the sandwich coupled with whatever it was in that cup led to a poor experience. It has been said from the likes of Ron Powell and other McRib aficionados, that sometimes you can get a bad McRib and maybe that’s what happened to TFFF. Ron Powell should know that TFFF doesn’t like to gamble when eating fast food (see Double Down review below) and that TFFF will never eat a McRib again.
Overall grade: C minus. It would have been a D minus, but TFFF bumped it up a letter grade due to the amazing marketing efforts of this sandwich. Even though the sandwich itself was not good, TFFF’s fascination of this 8th wonder of the world still exists. Everything that surrounds this product is mysterious and unexplained. Much like the video that youtube recommended I should watch based on my past video views of the McRib commercials. Maybe these guys are the next McRib spokespeople? At the very least, TFFF has dubbed the duo in the video below, The McRibbers! Until next time . . .
TFFF grew up in an area where gambling is legal and he has heard the phrase “Double Down” countless times. TFFF actually uses the “Double Down” as the backbone of his strategy when taking part in games of chance, specifically in the game of blackjack. As seen here in this timeless clip, one should always be careful when doubling down.
Did you notice how Jon Favreau blurted out “Double Down” with confidence and authority? That is exactly how TFFF ordered from the drive-thru window when he visited KFC on the historic day of “Double Down” launch.
Let’s back up a couple of months. It was early April, 2010. Ads starting appearing on TV and on billboards in TFFF’s local area about some new kind of creation from KFC. It had bacon . . . and cheese . . . ok, ok, you’ve got TFFF’s attention now . . . and sauce . . . yes, TFFF likes sauce . . . and . . . fried chicken as the bread?!?!? What is going on over at KFC? TFFF was beside himself. (Blogger’s note–anytime you see text in italics, that denotes thoughts that were inside TFFF’s head during the eating experience).
Rarely do you see such a move against the grain. When everyone is counting calories, going organic, anti-pesticides and anti-steroids, this was a move that TFFF could really respect. TFFF has always wondered what the big deal is with all the healthy stuff. Do you like skinny chickens? No. No one likes skinny chickens. Shoot that bird in the ass with some steroids and let’s feast. So what if the chicken gets boils on her neck and has fits of rage. Given the choice of the two photos below, 100% of the people that TFFF polled chose the chicken on the right.
So it’s early April. TFFF is eagerly awaiting KFC’s bold new sandwich. April 12th. D-day (or as TFFF called it: “DD-Day”). Reality is setting in. This is the day. TFFF is now getting nervous. The kind of nervous of being a teenager and meeting a chick’s dad for the first time when he knows that all you have on your mind is a hand job.
10 am hits–“Should I be doing sit-ups or something?”
11 am–“Is this a good idea?”
11:30 am–“Go Time!”
TFFF couldn’t wait any longer and pulled into the KFC drive-thru and blurted out “Double Down” exactly as Jon Favreau did, clearly trying to hide his fear of the beast. Then he rushed home and grabbed a seat at the table for the unveiling.
The first thing that entered TFFF’s mind as bare his skin was holding onto the fried chicken pieces that were acting as bread was, “TFFF shouldn’t be doing this. This seems wrong.” And it was.
Don’t get TFFF wrong, the flavors were pretty good. There was just something strange about the whole experience. No bread, no vegetables, all that cheese and sauce, just weird. By the time 3/4 of the sandwich was down, TFFF threw in the towel. Not that he was really full, he was just really saturated. Saturated with chicken and grease and cheese and sauce and bacon and mainly–saturated with guilt. Not the normal kind of guilt that comes from eating fast food, it was a special kind of guilt. The kind of guilt that one gets when playing too rough with a young niece or nephew which ends in an injury to the crying child and disapproving looks from the more responsible adults who are now staring at you like you are some kind of monster. It was that kind of shame and disappointment in oneself that really made the TFFF stop eating the sandwich.
Head hung low, chin down, TFFF headed back into the world feeling ready to stop all this. Stop the burgers with pastrami and fried egg, stop the fries served animal style, stop the chili nachos at 7-11. What is it all for? Does anyone really care about TFFF’s research?
2:30 pm. Maybe as some kind of a psyco-somatic device to never eat another Double Down ever again or maybe genuinely real, TFFF’s heart begins to hurt. It feels like it’s working too hard. Like it is trying to pump cold glue instead of blood. Sweat bead-lettes were forming on the forehead. TFFF thought he was having a heart attack. Deep breaths. It’s in your head. Deep breaths. Oh no. There’s something wrong. This is wrong. My heart is going to stop. Was that a sharp pain in my left arm? Should I go to the emergency room? You’ve gone too far, holmes. You’ve overdid it.
3:30 pm. TFFF basically had to run down the hall to the bathroom. The stomach cramp he was experiencing was something new. A dull but sharp pain that was cause for serious alarm. He made it just in time as Double Down was flying out of his ass with such force that he thought he may have liftoff from the toilet seat. Sweat beads and heart palpitations were back. Prayers to God went unanswered. Serious, serious remorse ensued. Hands were shaking like Nicholas Cage’s hands in “Leaving Las Vegas”. TFFF is in major trouble.
9:30 pm. Still no dinner for TFFF. Scared to eat anything in an effort to let his heart catch up with the pieces of chicken floating in his blood. TFFF goes to bed making promises to himself that if he wakes up the next day, he will never eat fast food ever again.
November 17, 2010. TFFF is eating fast food again. Was it all is his head? Maybe. Maybe not. The country of Canada, who had sold more than 1 million of the meaty beasts, recently pulled them from all of their KFC stores. No one from KFC has commented on why, but TFFF knows why. Someone in Canada who had the authority to make such a decision actually ate one of these heart modifiers and starting shaking and sweating and ran to the bathroom where he vowed to remove the evil american intruder before it killed half of his country. Click here to read the news story.
Overall, TFFF gives this death machine an F minus. If there was a lower grade to give, I’d give it. The ironic thing about this sandwich is that it has fewer calories than a Big Mac. It has 540 calories vs. 590 calories for the Big Mac. So what gives? Why did this sandwich almost kill TFFF?
After some deep research, TFFF found the culprits. Sodium and cholesterol. The Big Mac has 85 grams of cholesterol and 1070 milligrams of sodium. Pretty high numbers and not something you want to be putting in your body if you want to live past 25. The Double Down? 145 and 1380!! That’s a crazy level of badness and danger. TFFF did some independent research and found that 1380 milligrams of sodium is equivalent to eating 15 containers of salt. Not the salt shaker that you have on your table, but the salt containers that you use to fill the salt shakers on your table. The containers that have the little girl with the umbrella on them. Eating the Double Down is like eating 15 of those. (Editor’s note: the independent research regarding sodium levels of containers of salt that was performed by TFFF was never performed and is not true).
In conclusion, TFFF will never try that sandwich ever again. As of matter of fact, the experience of this KFC sandwich has left such a mark that TFFF doesn’t even double down on the blackjack table anymore.
TFFF recently tried Taco Bell’s new offering, the XXL Chalupa. TFFF believes that most fast food chains are always serving the same foods, but changing the mix of ingredients to fit their marketing strategies. Taco Bell is the king of this strategy. Every food item you get at Taco Bell is made with the same ingredients and the same seasonings–just mixed this way or that to make what Taco Bell calls a brand new product.
What is a chalupa, anyway? Is it that strange mexican beast that eats goats and runs from cops in Texas? Is it spanish slang for a way to insult the dead? TFFF did some research and found the following: A chalupa is a tostada platter in Mexican cuisine. It is a specialty of south-central Mexico, such as the states of Puebla, Guerreroand Oaxaca. Chalupas are made by pressing a thin layer of masa dough around the outside of a small mold, and deep frying to produce crisp, shallow corn cups. These are filled with various ingredients such as shredded chicken, pork, chopped onion, chipotle pepper, red salsa, and green salsa. It is also spanish for boat or launch, which makes sense when you look at the XXL Chalupa.
That said, this Taco Bell XXL Chalupa is made with taco meat, nacho cheese, sour cream, lettuce, pico, lettuce and red tortilla strips, or in other words, a burrito supreme with red tortilla strips. Before we get into the meat of this review, please take a look at the commercial for this brand new product:
First of all, the XXL Chalupa is not huge. I finished it without having to call in Mariano Rivera. Joe Giradi did not come and remove me from my table with a pat on the ass and a “Nice try, The Fast Food Fan.” As a matter of fact, I added many other items to my meal including some tacos, a meximelt, a bean burrito, and the chicken flatbread sandwich which I’ll leave for another day.
Second of all, this creation was delicious. The deep fried chalupa bread-thing was still warm, yet crisp. The meat and the cheese were dancing the samba together in my mouth. The cool sour cream rushed in to cool the hot sauce down, the lettuce was crisp and fresh, and the pico added another level of flavor. Overall, TFFF was happy. Final grade: B+. TFFF would probably have give the XXL an “A-”, but the product is not new and was predictable.
Here’s how it’s made. I think I’m going to rename this creation like the guy in the video–”Chalupee”.
Welcome to the sometimes delicious world of the Fast Food Fan! This is your new gathering spot for all things fast food. Not so much the old classics like the Whopper and the Big Mac, but the new stuff like the KFC Double Down or the AM/PM Torta. The stuff you see commercials for or see billboards for and wonder what it would be like to immerse yourself into the unknown.
You will no longer need to wonder. No need to waste your time and money on something as life-threatening as the KFC Double Down. No need to wonder what that meat is in the mysterious McRib. The Fast Food Fan (TFFF) will take care of this for you and he will assign a grade from A to F so that you know what foods to spend your hard earned money on and what foods to skip.
TFFF also cares about nutrition, so he will post nutrition stats for each item he reviews. As a point of reference, the daily intake for an average person should be 2000 calories, 20 grams of fat and 2300 grams of sodium.
The menu is vast and diverse, kind of like Los Angeles. They serve up burgers and sandwiches, but they also have delicious soul food like fried chicken, greens and mac and cheese. Add in their mexican food offerings like pollo asado with a horchata and you’ve got yourself a little slice of LA right there in the same building. There are many places like this in LA–Steve’s, Tommy’s, Why Not, etc., but no one–repeat, no one–does anything like the Colossal Burger.
